Batfort

Style reveals substance

Category: Growing the Future (page 5 of 8)

That equal and opposite reaction

I’m a big believer that the laws of physics apply to everything in this universe.

I’m also slowly coming to terms with the idea that I may be, in fact, ambitious.

That I had to include so many qualifiers in that sentence speaks volumes about how I feel about it.

Anyway: physics.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Every ambition births industriousness.

The questions is whether that industriousness is creative or destructive.

If that industry can go toward the ambition, becomes a physical outlet for those hopes and dreams. Creative.

Or that industry can go against the ambition, causing it to flounder or become distracted or incoherent. Destructive.

I’m starting to believe that destruction will lead to self destruction.

Know thyself.

And then align thine actions with thine desires.

It is important to spend time outside

This is a PSA mostly to myself, but also to all y’all internet dwellers out there.

Go outside.

Ideally to a part of the world that isn’t divided into gridded streets with convenient sidewalks or tended to by a groundskeeping squad.

Find a piece of this earth that is still mostly wild, overrun with native plants and insects and birds. Go look at the light as it shines off the water, go smell the heavy scent of newly-blooming flowers, go breathe air that has just cavorted with a mountain.

Walk on a dirt road, or a hiking path, or through a meadow. Run, if you want.

Let your body remember where it came from: the dust of the earth.

Let your mind appreciate the elegant complexity of our universe.

Let your soul breathe.

Go outside.

It is good.

Book preview

I’m out of my regularly scheduled routine this weekend, in a cabin that unexpectedly has no WiFi. It’s been great to be forced to read more, but I’m grateful for the tiny sliver of 3G data that’s allowing me to make this update. As such, I’m a bit behind on the posts I had planned to knock out, such as Part II of the Backwards Book Review for A Wrinkle in Time and a voice-based storytime highlighting on if my favorite passages.

The reason for this trip is a memorial service for a man who has been hugely influential in my life. Today I found myself scanning his bookshelves, both in memory of him and in search of books for my own reading list.

  • Solzhenitsyn
  • Tolstoy’s retelling of Russian fairy tales
  • Vince Flynn novels
  • L. Somerset Maugham

My progress in reading has been proceeding at a glacial pace as of late, but it’s been proceeding.

Inspired by Tolstoy, I’m considering taking my book of Brothers Grimm tales and making it the centerpiece of a weekly feature here. It would be fun to take a look at fairy tales in light of current developments.

Goodness knows we all need some extra help in remembering that we can defeat the dragons.

The 300th Post

It’s been 300 posts here on Batfort but there are still 85 days to go before we hit the anniversary of my one-year resolution. Publish something every day, no exceptions.

The home stretch. Don’t mess up.

I’m not really worried about messing up at this point, though. I’ve kept up daily posting through moving to a different state, starting a new job, through holidays and internet blackouts. There’s a confidence in the doing of it.

Of course, some of my posts are less good than others, but that’s to be expected as a newbie blogger who’s only just starting to crystallize what she’s about as a person, let alone an abstract online entity. Part of my personal challenge with this blog was to be imperfect in public, to make a fool of myself if necessary, and put my half-formed thoughts out there.

Maybe all this writing is part of what has helped me to crystallize as a person. I feel now, even more than just a year ago, much more sure of myself and who I am and what I think. It could be the result of successfully moving, or of being in my 30s, or of being far less stressed than I was before, but somehow I think that all this writing–as shaky as it is–has helped.

Recently I’ve implemented a morning routine that’s gone much better than my disastrous experiment with breakfast: “morning pages.” When I wake up, I attend to my toilette, but then–before I do or read anything else–I sit down and write for 20-30 minutes. Three pages, give or take. Longhand, in a journal.

It’s nice to write before I’ve ingested any media for the day because it’s easier to tell my own thoughts apart from the thoughts of people who are influential on me. There’s still the influence, to be sure, but it’s easier to see that some are there because I’ve sought them out, because I already had the seed of desire in me.

I’m talking about working for myself and making money online, for those of you who want concrete details. 😉

Then I read a chapter out of the Bible–currently the book of John–and then I go about my day. It’s a great way to start the morning, especially in my window-filled dining nook.

Anyway, one of the themes that has been coming out lately in those morning writings is my surprise and delight that this blog is getting traffic. Not much, to be sure, but now it is a rare day that my blog doesn’t get any hits, rather than when I was just starting out, when no hits was normal and a visitor was a rare occurrence.

It’s halfway through March, for instance, and already there are more hits this month than there were in February. I am grateful!

That’s you, dear reader, so thank you for coming to my unfocused little blog and giving my thoughts some of your attention.

One of those days

It’s always hard to go back to real life after “one of those days.”

Or if we want to get really twisty about it, I always seem to have “one of those days” after having “one of those days.”

Or if we want to get concrete but cryptic, I really should add “being outside” to my list of my ideal work environment. Not doing outdoor work, per se, but just being outside. A porch is fine, no need to get fancy about it.

What really happened is this: over the weekend my car broke down while I was on a trip for the weekend. As such, I couldn’t get back to work on Monday, but instead spent a bunch of time cleaning said car and arranging for repairs and talking with my brother about various things. The weather just so happened to be freeking gorgeous, as well, so I spent some quality time in the sunshine.

After days like these, days when I can taste freedom, coming back to reality oops there goes gravity* is absolutely excruciating.

Workplace politics. Beige boxes. Pointless meetings. Staring at a computer screen all day, and a computer screen that has to be somewhat professional which means that photos of k-pop groups or stupid memes are OUT as desktop backgrounds and even an Edward Gorey illustration is probably verging on too edgy.

I want to do work with the option of going outside, with the option of wearing shorts, with the option of blasting music as loud as I want to.

This is motivation. This is what I want to run toward, and leave the office life behind. This is where I want to steer my life, toward sunlight and freedom and the terrible arbitrary choices that we must make in the world when we aren’t beholden to a cultural superstructure.

Those days remind me how much I don’t get out of these days. I am capable of more and I will do more.

We’ve all heard that story a million times, but the good thing about stories is that they never run out and everybody’s got one.

 


*I really shouldn’t quote Eminem in the current year but sometimes I can’t help myself.

Decisions (or is it Lemons?)

Life…the Universe…the uber-involved calvinist God….however you choose to define such things….that entity certainly has an odd sense of humor.

Yesterday morning, I made my very last student loan payment (yes!).

That very night, my car broke down while I was driving it. (no!).

I had been contemplating splurging/investing in an online business course, to help give me a framework for developing where Batfort should go next and to help build up an alternate income stream (my next goal).

But now, I find myself in a position where I must pay an unknown amount of money for car repairs. Unknown car repairs. It’s a total mystery at this point.

Do I still invest in the course, knowing that I may have to dip into my savings for car repairs? Do I skip it and wait until the next cycle? (Is there a better business course out there?)

Why is it that just when I get my feet under me, that something else goes wrong? The cycle of life is impossible to ignore.

I think I’m going to skip the course for now and focus on car repair, my stupid tooth surgery and working out what I actually want to do with my life and this blog and everything.

Seems like a sensible plan…for now.

But I sense that the time for sensible (for me, at least) is growing shorter.

To get what you want, you have to do the opposite

It is completely counterintuitive, yes.

Whether it’s because life is actually a series of paradoxes, or if it’s because we live in upside-down world, it is true that in order to get something that you truly want, you have to do the exact opposite for a period of time.

That probably doesn’t make any sense, so here are some examples.

Digestive problems: to eventually be able to eat whatever I wanted, for now, I have to eat only what is approved.

Dating/marriage: if I eventually want to have a relationship with a man in which I have no inhibitions, for now, I have to create strict boundaries.

Health: if I eventually want good health to the point where I don’t have to think about it, for now, I have to think about it all the time.

Time/work: if I eventually want to have the freedom to do whatever I want with my days, for now, I have to be extremely strict with my time.

Let me break it down even more. Take the time/work example, which I’ve been contemplating a lot recently.

In the future, I will work for myself. I will have a business that runs primarily online that does not depend on a 1:1 time expenditure on my part. Yes, that means that I will have things to tend to for my business each day, but it also means that I can choose when, where, and in what capacity I do those things. Because I will build a business that revolves around things that I already like and want to do, the phrase “freedom to do whatever I want” automatically includes doing the work.

Obviously “whatever I want” is subject to God’s law, and natural law, and US law, but it’s not subject to an employer’s rules and my boss’s expectations and the consequences of having to survive in a highly political environment.

Fun fact: my major criteria for an ideal working environment are: 1. I can wear shorts, 2. an entire wall of speakers so I can blast music as loud as I like, and 3. lots of light.

None of those things could exist at my current workplace. Maybe the light, but I have about 0% control over the location of my office.

However, none of this will happen by itself.

I cannot simply quit my day job now and expect to be able to support myself off the internet with no prior preparation. I could probably support myself off the internet if necessary, but certainly not in the “what I want to do” category.

To get to that point, where I work for myself, I need to build my skills and knowledge on the side, during my non-employed time. This means, that if I also want to eat and tend to my relationships and relax, I need to be disciplined about how I spend my time.

There are a finite number of useable hours in a day, and if I want to accomplish something more than the 9-5 grind, I have to use them to my advantage.

I could do what I want to do now, and pretend that I have the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want. That might make me happy for a time, but then my employer would start getting irritated at me leaving the office to work out every day at 11:30 am, or my taking naps every afternoon.

After a while, I’d probably be unemployed.

Then, if I kept doing whatever my immediate desires told me to do, I wouldn’t have a job and I wouldn’t be building any online business infrastructure. I’d be watching YouTube videos and eating pork rinds.

To get where I truly want to go, I have to do the opposite of my impulsive desires, of my ingrained habits, of the actions that I’ve done so far in the past to get myself to this point.

For the future, I cultivate in myself actions and habits that align with my long-term goals.

I believe that is what they call “discipline.”

It is basically wanting what is truly good for us instead of what is expediently and easily fun.

Winning that battle is just as much mental readjustments as it is physical habits.

(Trust me on this one: it took me YEARS to learn in the food arena. As of a few years ago the pastry case in Starbucks no longer registers in my brain as food. That’s a huge shift.)

This is all totally possible, too. I’ve done it before, in the arena of health. Did I ever think I would realign my life to live the most anti-bacterial lifestyle that I could? No, of course not! But I did, and by doing the opposite of what I wanted to do, I no longer have to think about it as much. Partly, this is because I have some new habits that are ingrained in me, and partly because the problem isn’t nearly as big. And hopefully it’ll be even less big after the surgery next month.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, the road to whatever you truly want is probably its exact opposite.

Don’t fight it, just start walking the path.

Player ME has entered the game

In my old job, I worked for the boss.

Wait, let me back up. Of course I worked for my boss.

But my boss was the one who had the final say, the one that everyone else had to bend around. THE BOSS.

And I knew that my boss backed me up 100%. Within reason, of course, but my boss wouldn’t throw me under the bus.

With this convenient arrangement, I could throw myself into the fray of academic politics without much regard for my safety. I had no political designs myself (although my boss may have), and merely had to position myself and my projects in such a way that I could get the rest of my faculty stakeholders on board.

I didn’t have to worry about myself.

***

In this new job, though, I don’t work for the boss anymore.

My boss is just another face in a long line of middle managers (they don’t call them that in my industry, but that’s what they are).

Maybe he has the ear of certain people, but those people can make whatever decisions they want.

Those people don’t have my back. It remains to be seen if my own boss has my back.

(I’m not going to count on it.)

As I settle into this position and start to take on more responsibility–and talk to new people–it’s becoming clear that the political landscape is a bit more vicious. The pieces are out on the board, and they’ve already drawn blood. (Bit of a mixed metaphor, but it works to describe the slow-moving bloodsport that is academic politics.)

This time, I can’t enjoy my protected little vantage point and focus on getting things done..

This time, I have to play for myself.

The reality of this situation finally hit home this afternoon. I’m no longer a politically neutral entity that operates more or less in tandem with my boss-like entity.

If I am going to be effective, it is imperative that I acquire a reputation and political capital (is that what they’re calling it these days?) on my own. It must be as separate from my boss as I can make it.

Which will be a challenge, since he’s a micromanager.

I now have skin in the game.

Goals

Today is a day when I tend to self-reflect, so I’m diving back into my Future Authoring account.

I’m sad that there isn’t a date on it, because I would have LOVED to have known when I wrote this, but I think it was sometime in the summer of 2017. About six months ago, actually.

In six months, I want to be out of [my old job]. No more. This place is a shithole. In two years, I want to be making enough online that I could be considering cutting the cord and supporting myself only on my earnings. In five years, i want to have a comfortable routine writing and editing and publishing books

This makes me laugh (both in the “it’s funny” way and the “tell for cognitive dissonance” way), and I’m so very glad that I opened this back up at this moment in time.

First, the shithole comment. I love synchronicity like that. Sometimes I wonder if I wait too long to do a thing, but then when I do do the thing, it will reference something that I just learned about which would have been completely lost on me had I done the thing earlier. I can never figure out if it’s confirmation bias or if it’s evidence that I have a guardian angel or something. The prominence of the word shithole in my self-assessment and in the media today indicates, to me, that I’m still somehow on the right track.

Second, my five-year vision/goal/whatever scares the spit out of me. Which is funny, considering that the six-month goal is already accomplished and I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Looking back on what I wrote, it all rings true, but I don’t remember writing it. I never once thought about my FutureAuthoring profile as I interviewed for the job and moved to a completely different state. Not once.

Yet I accomplished my goal. And it was easier–once the time was right–than I thought it would be.

It astonishes me how much we can accomplish when we work toward something, even if that something is completely unconscious. When I quit my autoimmune medications, I never consciously made a decision to quit. I just started acting as if I had quit, with the option to reschedule my next infusion if we got to that point.

(Spoiler: we never got to that point.)

You have to do the work, there’s no getting around that, but if you do the work eventually you will look up and you’ll be out of the swamp into the mountains.

This is way too much fun

Cross stitch + data visualizations. They go together like steak and a ripping hot cast-iron pan.

Counted cross stitch requires intense scrutiny of detail, much like attending to a dataset*. You might as well combine the two!

After my Bitcoin debut–which I need to frame–I decided to tackle something a little more personal.

This one is a map of my income over the past several years vs doses of a super-high-powered drug that I thought I’d be dependent on forever.

I thought I would per permanently scraping-dry poor, tethered to corporate-level health insurance, at the mercy of the modern medical system.

Thank GOD that by small steps I managed to escape most of it.

I have corporate-level health insurance by nature of working with a huge employer, but I’m not dependent on it anymore. If I lost my job tomorrow…whatever.

Anyway, I wanted to make a motivational chart to remind myself that I have done not one but TWO things I previously thought were impossible.

I did it before. I can do it again.

This one is a work in progress, as I got a little overexcited with the x-axis and need to redo the end of it.

I’d start another, but I need to make a supply run for more aida cloth.


*I say this like I’m some sort of data expert. I’m not. But I’d like to learn more about statistics.

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