I learned something today, that I think will stick with me for a great long while.

I thought I was negotiating for a new job. Trusted associates were giving me advice, tips on what to ask for and how to ask for it. Different industries and types of businesses have different ways of doing things.

Money vs. time vs. flexibility — what’s most important?

Turns out that none of that mattered, because my supervisor pre-negotiated on my behalf.

While I’m not sad about the outcome, I do feel like I missed a crucial point of inflection for learning how to negotiate. Instead of giving me the opportunity to try and fail, or to fail to try, I was given the end result.

Now, I’m not ungrateful. Don’t get me wrong.

But I do question methods.

If the data suggests that women fail to negotiate more often, and that part of the so-called wage gap exists because failure-to-negotiate leads to a smaller base salary that leads to smaller percentage-based raises 10 or 20 years down the line, wouldn’t it also make sense that you would want to demonstrate to women that they can negotiate, and reinforce that behavior by rewarding it with a salary raise?

So set the stage. Grease the wheels a little bit. Maybe carve out a “yes” from the HR compensation people first, then wait for a girl to try to negotiate up and reward her.

Giving it up front teaches the lizard brain that we can just expect it in the future, and we absolutely cannot.

This method is harder to watch, because it requires risk and includes the possibility of failure, either to plan or to execute. But it also means real success at the end.

Create an environment where someone can succeed by setting an expectation, providing necessary resources, greasing the wheels if need be, and then stepping back to let her learn how to fly.

Artificial, a bit, but effective.

I want to learn how to lead people like that.

Not by doing things for them and expecting them to learn the lesson despite that fact. That’s how you create dependents, not independents.