Batfort

Style reveals substance

Month: May 2018 (page 1 of 4)

End-of-May Appreciation Post

Okay, friends. It’s time. I’ve noticed that I’ve slipped into negative thought patterns again. Negative thoughts are not what I want guiding my life, so when they start to crowd out the positive ones, I want to take action.

And that action is this: forcing myself to appreciate the good things in my life.

A gratitude post, if you will.

» Long talks with a new friend about the Orthodox church. I cannot tell you how relieving it is to talk with someone from a similar background who understands my struggles and can tell me how she dealt with similar things. (A mentor!)

» Finding William Davis’ book Undoctored. I want this book to be the physician view of what I’ve personally gone through on my health journey over the past few years, and I’m excited to read what he has to say. Wheat Belly was an influential book in my diet explorations, and helped explain so many of my horrible detox symptoms when I quit wheat. My only complaint is it took me a YEAR to learn that this book existed! It was published last May!

» Peones. They are one of the most beautiful flowers on God’s green earth, and when I look up from my laptop, I get to stare at a vase overflowing with peones. I’m so thankful that I live near a cutting garden where you can go and have the pick of any flowers I want.

» EXO’s Forever.

 

» This will probably mean nothing to those of you who don’t have access to my analytics (which is…everybody), but it so heartening to see this blog pick up in traffic. Certainly I have a long way to go in content, presentation, and promotion before Batfort is worthy of major traffic, but I’m enjoying the steady-ish increase. Organic views for May 2018 surpassed all of December 2017, which had a spike of views from Twitter to a specific post. I’ve had better months in between then, but I find it immensely satisfying when a slow-and-steady month nets more views than a wait-until-the-hero-at-the-end month.

American Psycho: A Portrait of Gamma Rage

I read American Psycho even though I didn’t particularly like it. Patrick Bateman’s inner monologue reads like a cross between bad chick-lit (brand names, restaurants, and a weird obsession with grooming) and mansplaining (or when a 12-year-old boy explains to you in detail his drawing of a war scene) (I say this with love), sprinkled with enough italics to out-Victorian the Victorians.

This is clearly deliberate, but I was expecting something akin to “The Confessions of Anders Breivik” (should those exist) but got more like “A Portrait of Gamma Rage.”

What is a Gamma, you ask? Gamma is a level on a hierarchy of male behaviors that is more nuanced than the simple alpha/beta dichotomy. Gamma is very useful for distinguishing between helpful beta behavior and useless beta behavior. Vox Day developed this hierarchy and I’ve found it to be very useful in dealing with men in the workplace. (Disclaimer: I’m a woman.)

American Psycho is an portrait of a Wall Street executive in the 80s. It has the air of literary fiction, in which the author clearly looks down upon his protagonist and is clearly making a Very Serious Thoughts About Society. The ambiguous ending adds to this, which I find obnoxious because while I enjoy puzzling out books, I do not enjoy puzzling out books that the author very self consciously wants you to puzzle out.

Forgive me, I’m a recovering English major. Anything that reminds me of an MFA seminar makes me break out in hives.

Additionally, unlike The Wolf of Wall Street (movie edition) which was told by an unreliable narrator clearly trying to sell us on how cool he is but that actually had the chops to back it up and who had a sense of humor, Patrick Bateman doesn’t have a sense of humor. He never talks about work. He talks about the office, and business cards, lunch meetings, and the Fisher account, all sorts of stuff RELATING to work, but never anything about doing actual work. He never appears to actually do anything.

I think this is deliberate on the part of the author, and it reads like this is somebody’s idea of how Wall Street works rather than an actual satire of the real (“real”?) work in finance. The Wolf of Wall Street felt like it was told in good faith; American Psycho I’m not so sure. However, I like how the author took the “killer” phrases that men often use in the workplace, and use them for dramatic effect:

He pats me on the back, says, “You’re a madman, Bateman. An animal. A total animal.”

“I can’t disagree.” I laugh weakly, walking him to the door.

That’s not to defend Wall Street, because I’ve seen the corruption in Higher Education and I can’t even imagine how bad it gets when there are actual, material rewards to be stolen. I just wish that this book had more substance, instead of mirror.

Now. Half of that is because Patrick Bateman is quite likely a Gamma male, and the violence in the book is most likely (spoilers really start here) all inside of his head. I started to realize this about halfway through the book, when he claims to have killed a dog in front of a grocery store in broad daylight, with nobody noticing. Of course Bateman’s point is that people are sheep and don’t pay attention to anything, but when, later in the book, a shootout with the police results in an exploding gas tank, I have a hard time taking this guy’s narration at face value. Clearly a rich fantasy life.

That takes care of gamma tell number one:

There are two easy Gamma signals. The first is dishonesty, particularly in the face of conflict. That dishonesty can take many forms, from false bravado to bizarre lies about their accomplishments to inaccurate explanations of their actions.

Bateman goes so far into his delusions that he imagines real-life consequences for his own imagined actions, such as when a cabbie mugs him in revenge for the time that he killed another cab driver. Or, for instance, in a scene near the beginning of the book ends in him blinding a bum, but he happens across the same bum later in the novel with a sign that reads “Blinded in Vietnam.”

Gamma tell number two comes into play at the end of the novel, where we’re coasting toward the realization that ~maybe it was a delusion after all:

The second is heightened sensitivity. The Gamma is constantly on the alert for what others are thinking and saying about him. He is excessively pleased by praise and will often cite it, and is inordinately upset by criticism. He has a very limited capacity for shrugging off either.

The narration gives us a few cracks in which to see the true Bateman, or see Bateman through others’ eyes. The next exchange happens at a party, where Bateman corners Carnes, who he once called and left a voicemail confessing all the crimes he had committed, which he then tried to pass off as a joke. Of course none of the men remember each others’ names, so Carnes thinks this whole thing is a joke played by somebody named Davis.

“Davis,” he sighs, as if patiently trying to explain something to a child, “I am not one to bad-mouth anyone, but your joke was amusing. But come on, man, you had one fatal flaw: Bateman’s such a bloody ass-kisser, such a brown-nosing goody-goody, that I couldn’t fully appreciate it. Otherwise it was amusing. Now let’s have lunch, or we’ll have dinner at 150 Wooster or something with McDermott or Preston. A real raver.” He tries to move on.

“Ray-vah? Ray-vah? Did you say ray-vah, Carnes?” I’m wide-eyed, feeling wired even though I haven’t done any drugs. “What are you talking about? Bateman is what?”

“Oh good god, man. Why else would Evelyn Richards dump him? You know, really. He could barely pick up an escort girl, let alone…what was it you said he did to her?” Harold is still looking distractedly around the club and he waves to another couple, raising his champagne glass. “Oh yes, ‘chop her up.'” He starts laughing again, though this time it sounds polite. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must really.”

In delusion-land, this could be another example of how you can spell something out to people but, unlike people who are enlightened by their own intelligence, who will never pay attention enough to understand. In real life, nobody takes Bateman seriously. Bateman, though, tries to make fun of your uncultured Boston accent.

Then we turn to a third gamma tell: the secret king. This is my favorite.

All gammas are secret kings ruling over their delusion bubble with majesty and sly, smooth charm….

In this passage, from the breakup scene, Bateman lays it right on out:

“Honey?” she asks.

“Don’t call me that,” I snap.

“What? Honey?” she asks.

“Yes,” I snap again.

“What do you want me to call you?” she asks, indignantly. “CEO?” She stifles a giggle.

“Oh Christ.”

“No, really Patrick. What do you want me to call you?”

King, I’m thinking. King, Evelyn. I want you to call me King. But I don’t say this.

And by not saying it, he stays safely inside the delusion bubble.

I don’t know anything about the author of American Psycho, Brett Easton Ellis, but part of me wonders how much he is projecting into this book. Honestly wondering, this is not a leading question or anything.

There were funny moments, but they didn’t offset the “I’m just gonna skip ahead a few pages” depictions of violence and sex. At some point, even if it’s supposed to be satire, there’s a limit. Maybe my limit is lower than most people’s. But I’m at the point where I don’t want my mind’s eye cluttered with that type of imagery.

Thematically, Batesons’s skewed self-image raises questions of the difference between how others see us and what we keep inside, hidden to ourselves. I can relate to that, as I’ve kept quite a number of things (like my political views) hidden from my own colleagues. Questions like this can be interesting to ask ourselves–if we’re being honest–and can spark a good amount of self-reflection.

I’m not sure you need this book to do that.

 


It’s also fun to finally understand some references that I didn’t even know were references. Surprise!

Want to learn about processed meat?

You know you do.

Despite being thirsty, overproduced, and a sign that the Portland hipster vibe is becoming too mainstream to function, these “ask an expert” style Epicurious vids are an interesting way to learn about food.

I just wish they would make the challenge a bit more obvious. Pedantic doesn’t belong on YouTube.

Excuse me, I just looked at the thumbnail again. If you put Buzzfeed in a blender with Bon Appetit.

ANYWAY.

I like the cured meats episode because the expert explains a lot of things. We learn how cured meats are made, and what are details to look for in each style of curing. We learn what goes into a high-end/traditional product, and what goes into a mass produced product.

After watching this, I never want to eat a supermarket processed meat product again. No wonder our bodies hate us.

Nitrates. Nitrites. Liquid smoke. Collagen casings. Fake mold made out of rice flour (!). Laquer’d sugar. All sorts of weird stuff that goes into hot dogs, or salami, or ham.

The more I go without all that stuff (I had to quit eating cured meats, with the exception of the occasional prosciutto, after I realized that the microbes in things like salami were contributing to my health problems) the more I realize that all those curing agents and stabilizers make digestion more difficult. They might even make living more difficult.

(Certainly it would be difficult to live if you’re prematurely cured, amirite.)

This won’t scare me off of cured meats forever–they are delicious and I hope to add them back to my diet someday–but it does make me more motivated to purchase only high-quality cured meats.

In fact, now I want to plan a trip to Spain to eat my bodyweight in jamón ibérico. Maybe in 5 years.

The person you talk about the most

Yesterday I wrote about psychic headspace, and why it’s important to get some breathing space inside your own head.

Today, I realized that the person I talk most about is my boss.

How do we demonstrate that something (or someone) is important to us?

We talk about them.

Yikes.

 

Let’s back up a little.

Many moons ago, when Twilight was cool and hating Twilight was even cooler, I was what you could call a Twilight anti-fan. I LOVED hating on it. The storyline was bad. The characters weren’t well drawn. The writing was awkward. The author had clearly done only a cursory bit of research into life in the Pacific Northwest. The fans were obnoxious and/or horrifying. The list goes on.

In fact, I loved hating on it so much that I made bingo cards to make fun of the overly zealous fans on opening night. Once I packed a vampire-themed picnic to smuggle into a Twilight triple showing, including a champagne cocktail called the “Vampire’s Kiss” (talk about obnoxious!). I used the bingo cards that I made…at a midnight showing.

Basically: I paid money to watch all the movies (in my defense I only bought the first novel). I knew all the books and characters. I had long drawn-out fantheories on obscure parts of the books.

It didn’t matter what my motivations were–out of love for the franchise or love-to-hate of the franchise–I still supported the moves, talked to people about it, and spent my free time thinking about those dang sparkly vampires.

The brutal truth: I was a Twilight fan.

Like it or not, what we do is what matters in life. What we do reflects our hearts.

 

Which brings me back to today, when I found myself talking about my boss. Again. To people with whom I could talk about nearly anything in the world.

Yet I chose to talk about my boss.

My boss was on my mind. My boss was what I wanted to spend my time and energy on. The way I’m acting sure does make it look like my boss is the most important person in my life.

If I rank-ordered the people in my life who I find most important emotionally, would my boss be on the top of that list? Of course not. So I don’t want to spend any more of my life emotionally processing boss-related things than I have to, clearly.

 

To change this, I need to fill my life with people that I give more emotional weight than my boss. For me, in my present circumstances, that means meeting more new people and deepening my relationship with God.

Yet if I rank-order my life in terms of people who have power over me, my boss suddenly rockets toward the top of the list. Which suggests to me that there is, automatically, some amount of attention that I’ll need to pay this power relationship in my life.

The trick is not letting the emotional bit overpower the work-related necessities.

To change this particular situation, I’ll eventually have to quit my job. Until that happens, my boss will always have power over me (even if I don’t let it get to me emotionally).

Fortunately for me, this is just more fuel to the fire of working for myself.

Onward and upward, my friends.

 

Psychic Headspace

We joke a lot about people like Donald Trump “taking up real estate in someone else’s head.”

It’s funny because it’s true–we’ve all experienced someone else’s voice in our head. Maybe it’s our father, or our internet dad, or that girl from high school, but there’s someone, who has somehow sprung into being–fully formed–in our psychic headspace.

One of the truths about introverts is that we need alone time to recharge. But I’ve found that it’s not enough to be physically alone–you need to also mentally alone.

All those voices of other people, they need to shut up.

All those feelers you send out to people in your living space (even if they’re not in the same room), they need to shut down.

For me, at least, I need the psychic equivalent of a “no fly zone” in order to recharge. Superman’s fortress of solitude. Scott’s trek across antarctica. A faraday cage against psychic energy.

This can be difficult to achieve, especially when you live in a household with other people, or you live in a city, or you spend a lot of time on Twitter. It’s easy these days, with social media, to build up a reasonable facsimile of someone to carry with you always in your head.

You have to shake it off, and reconnect with your own soul.

That’s why walks in nature are so beneficial, and things like yoga, where everyone is too busy focusing within to really bother sending out much psychic energy.

I live alone, so it’s easy for me to get the physical space to be alone, but it can still be tough to escape other people’s thoughts.

I’ve written before about morning journalling, and it’s by far been the best thing I’ve done for my mental health lately. By giving myself space and time to write and think and breathe, before encountering anybody else’s psychic energy for the day, I feel like I start the day from a calmer place, and from a more coherent place.

In our modern world, steeped with mechanistic explanations of how things work, we focus less on “spirit” than we should. But spirit is an essential part of our beings, and deserves as much care as our bodies and our souls.

Sometimes I wonder

If a cow laughs real hard, will milk come out of its nose?

Since the world is a series of wheels within wheels, sometimes those circles repeat themselves. Today I was contemplating a few health-related conundrums.

Sometimes I wonder if the opioid crisis is even bigger than we know — if we expand it to also include wheat addiction. It’s been slow going to convince people that wheat (and grains) aren’t real food, but we do know this:

Modern wheat is an opiate.

Nobody talks much about the opioid epidemic and what we should do about it, but nobody really talks about the obesity epidemic either. It looks like they may be one and the same, which is especially horrifying. It makes me wonder if our eating so much wheat predisposes us to an opiate addiction, since our brains are already bathed in “morphine-like substances.”

If you haven’t read Wheat Belly, you really should (or find more info from Dr. William Davis or Peer-Reviewed Science).

 

Sometimes I wonder if taking lots of drugs to suppress symptoms of illness, but without solving the real problem, has taught us how to endure our own destruction. For instance, taking benadryl during a (non life threatening) allergy attack teaches us to passively live with the problem, rather than taking care of the pollen or actively create something better out of the situation. Obviously this leads to problems in the health arena, but less obviously, there are mirroring issues in other areas of life. Like “failure to launch” syndrome, or the Millennial tendency to endure and complain rather than to take steps to change. Small boys are drugged with ritalin to stay in school, which teaches us how to become cogs in the cubicle machine, which…is an unfulfilling life that may spur an addiction to opiates.

Gosh it’s all connected, isn’t it?

Modern life: where we address only superficial symptoms and then wail that we’re still sick.

Image of the week: life update edition

It’s a personal image this week, from my printmaking class on Sunday.

 

 

This week started off so promising – with art – and yet ended with me curled up on the couch dealing with the side effects of bacterial die-off in my gut. What changed?

Because I could tell that I was entering a healing phase, I decided to go full meat-and-water (with a few eggs here and there) to help my body reset itself. This meant quitting coffee and cheese (again), which meant caffeine withdrawls and general malaise and, a few days in, complete starvation of the bacterial overgrowth that is still hanging around in my gut.

It’s interesting to see, as I’ve gone through my journey toward health, how big problems make smaller problems impossible to see. When I was still eating grains and sugar, it didn’t matter if I quit dairy for a month – there was so much inflammation in my body that I couldn’t tell the difference.

When I had a dead tooth in my mouth, which I’m sure caused all sorts of problems, I had a hunch that my SIBO problems still lingered but it didn’t matter if I was drinking coffee or not. Now that the tooth is gone, and whatever infection along with it, giving up coffee actually means something (all that bacteria in my gut suddenly has no food whatsoever).

It sucks to get through now but I’m hopeful that this means that now my guts can start the real healing. If that means meat + water for a spell, so be it.

You can totally fry eggs on a Foreman grill

In this episode of “I’m a carnivore I do what I want,” I’ve decided to do all my cooking on a George Foreman grill.*

Mostly I don’t want to bother cleaning up multiple cooking surfaces, so when I break out the Foreman, I want to make as much use of it as possible. So far this has included

  1. Burgers (obviously)
  2. Shredded smoked pork that crisps up like carnitas (extra good with Hawaiian red sea salt)
  3. Fried eggs (what!?)

Hear me out: it’s not all that different from frying eggs on the stove. The Foreman grill is a heated nonstick surface, much the same as your basic frying pan. Yes, there are the grill ridges but the surface is so nonstick those don’t seem to matter.

The biggest logistical challenge is the slope of the grill top. This is great when you’re trying to drain fat off of burgers, but problematic when you’re trying to keep runny eggs in place until they start to cook and solidify.

Fortunately this one is easy to solve. Simply prop the front feet of the Foreman grill up on the fat-catcher. It doesn’t make the surface of the grill completely flat (at least for my grill), but it’s enough of a change that it does the trick. I use a spatula as a backstop to catch the small amounts of runny egg white that try to escape down the slope.

Ask me how I figured this out — and I’ll show you the entire raw egg that plopped its way into the fat-catcher.

That’s all great, I can hear you saying, but what about the top of the egg? Are you going to flip it? The answer, my friend, is no. The egg stays in place. BUT, to cook the top quicker, I lower down the top hinge until it hovers over the egg. The grill can’t close all the way, because that would smash the egg yolk, but I can get a pretty good hover going by bending down and peeking in between.

By doing this, the top hotplate acts as a salamander to help the top of the egg whites cook a little quicker and the yolk get all velvety.

We all know the final verdict is how the eggs are cooked. Not bad, as it turns out. While they’re not the best fried eggs I’ve had in my life, they’re pretty good. Not rubbery at all (but that’s because I watched them like a hawk, like one must do with fried eggs). Just don’t expect a pretty round shape, because between the grill ridges and the anti-slope spatula backsplash, that ain’t happening.

Now that I’ve cooked eggs with a Foreman grill, I feel like I can cook anything.

What’s next?

 


*That’s a lie, I also make heavy use of my crock pot.

 

A very personal review of Alt-Hero #1: Crackdown

Okay: there are some things that you should know if you’re going to read one my review of a comic.

1. I’m a reluctant comics reader. I’m not even really a comics person at all, there just happen to be a few that I really like (like Watchmen, Hellboy, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, and Tintin).

2. Double that for superhero comics. I couldn’t even make it through the series that the first Thor movie was based on, even though I liked the movie and the writer that wrote both the movie and the comic. And that was when I was actively taking a class on comics because I want to understand.

Basically I’m a comics window-shopper.

So trust me when I tell you that I opened Alt-Hero #1: Crackdown and it’s so good that I read the whole thing in one sitting.

I was just going to open her up, look at a few pages of the art, and go to bed. But no: I got sucked into the story so thoroughly that I was sad and disappointed to reach the end so quickly. Completely forgot that I was reading the first issue of a comic and not a graphic novel.

If you are a superhero comics reader, the structure is very familiar. It’s a superhero origin story, opening into a Eurozone-flavored X-men setup. All the characters are slightly improbably and – well – very superheroesque in that way that the powers really don’t make any sense and it’s all very weird. (Sorry, I told you I could never get into superheroes!)

However, the characters are compelling. Even the ones who are introduced briefly and have few speaking lines – somehow, they are intriguing and I want to know more. I even want to get to know Captain Europa.

These well-drawn characters lead into quite a few laugh-out-loud moments. And I don’t say that lightly – this wasn’t sensible_chuckle.gif but a literal throw-my-head-back laugh. I appreciate that, especially in a comic that tackles dark political themes.

At this point it’s all positive: gripping story, characters that you can tell have deep backstories, and good jokes.

However (you knew this was coming), there are two things that I hope improve in future issues.

One is the placement of the speech bubbles. Sometimes it was a little difficult to determine the order in which they were to be read, and while I think I guessed right most of the time, sometimes it was a little daunting to look at a new panel and not really know where to start.

The other is that I don’t love the art. It’s not bad art, certainly, and it gets the point across, but it’s not art that I would want to look at for an extended period of time. Note that with the exception of Watchmen, my favorite comics all have highly stylized, refined artwork.

In terms of a story-focused approach to comics, which I think Arkhaven is using, I think this is a perfectly appropriate style – workmanlike, not overly realistic or overly stylized. It reminds me of the amount of work put into something like old-school Doctor Who episodes or a pulpy sci-fi novel — just enough work put in to build the world, but that needs the grace and imagination of the reader to fill in the rest of the blanks.

Basically the antithesis of Modern Literary Fiction™, which I would venture to guess that Arkhaven Comics stands resolutely against. All seems to be in order.

I should have probably said this at the beginning of the review, but I was a backer for this run of Alt-Hero and firmly believe in their mission of pushing back against the SJWs in comics.

That said, I still enjoyed the heck out of this comic and can’t wait for the next one to hit my inbox.

It’s available on Amazon for $2.99 if you’re interested.

My year of living carnivorously

It has been a year since I ate a vegetable.

Carrots, if I remember correctly. They were the filling for Bò Cuốn, Vietnamese beef rolls, pickled and sauteed with onions. I spent way too much time picking off the onions and the sesame seeds, as they were on the “do not eat” list at the time.

Most vegetables were, at that point.

I have a lifelong, chronic autoimmune illness called Crohn’s disease. As with all autoimmune ailments, my body decided to pick a fight with itself, and the battleground that it chose is my digestive system.

This time last year, I was at my wit’s end. I had tried almost every diet recommended for Crohn’s, with the exception of veganism, and nothing was working. I was eating off a ketogenic diet plan, hoping that the ketones would somehow kickstart healing in my body. (Spoiler: they didn’t.)

Through another round of research, I reached a crossroads: in one timeline, I would be influenced by the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead and The Wahl’s Protocol and would start juicing; in another, I listened to the advice of Ted Naiman and Shawn Baker (both MDs) and just ate meat.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I chose the carnivorous life.

While it still sounds a little crazy, because from birth we are taught that food is both plants and animals, choosing to at only animal products was one of the most freeing decisions I ever made.

Once I decided to stop eating plants, I was elated. Giddy. I didn’t have to worry about vegetables anymore. Vegetables had been giving me anxiety – which ones to eat, how to cook them, which ones I could tolerate.

And then, suddenly, I didn’t have to think about them anymore. It was amazing.

Do I miss vegetables? Not a lot. Every once in a while I wish I could eat a little asparagus or endive or avocado, but those desires pass. I’ve found that I can’t even tolerate a squeeze of lemon on shrimp or a spice rub on BBQ, so I doubt I could tolerate an entire stalk of asparagus.

My guts need a lot of TLC, and this diet has been the first one to give it to them.

Nothing has healed overnight. There are no miracle cures. But my skin is a lot clearer and better (when I’m off dairy). My guts are under control enough that I can go on a long road trip without anxiety (which was not the case a year ago).

The biggest indicator that something had changed was not even a month later, I decided to post in this blog every day for a year. I have failed at every blog previously, but this time I have succeeded. Somehow I knew that this dietary change had given me the energy that I needed.

That energy has gotten me through a stressful living situation, public humiliation thanks to leaky guts, a big move to a new town and a new job, and a minor surgery, all without causing a flare up with my gut situation.

That is kind of a big deal.

Over this past year, I’ve gone through steak phases and meatloaf phases (I’m currently in a shredded crock-pot beef and frozen burger patties on the Foreman grill phase).

I’ve eaten eggs and dairy, or not. I’ve drank coffee, or not. (I’m currently sticking with meat and water to aid healing.)

I have so much more energy, my guts are much more cooperative (although there’s still a long road of healing ahead), and so much more confidence in myself since going full carnivore.

I don’t regret it for a minute.

Older posts

© 2024 Batfort

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑