Yesterday, I wrote about the vision of me, the best of me. Or at least one version of that.

Today, I’m struggling against self-sabotage.

All in the cycle of life, I suppose.

I really like starting things. New projects, new ideas, new adventures–they give me life. There’s a reason that spring is my favorite season and that my favorite color is the color of a newly budded leaf backlit by the sun.

The contrary of that is that I’m not a big fan of finishing things. There’s so much finality in it, when you make something unchangeable. You transmute all the potential of a new idea into something permanent. Obviously you have to do this to get anything done, but the creative possibilities are, at that point, gone. And depending on your level of craft and experience, the final product may or may not resemble the original idea.

I’m pushing myself to finish a personal project during the month of July. In fact, I’m trying to crash the project and get it done as fast as possible now. The finish line is in sight.

And thus the resistance begins. The self-sabotage. The willingness to be distracted by anything else but this project. The sudden backtrack of “I know it’s going to suck but I’m doing it anyway” with “But it needs to be good! What if this isn’t the right thing to do! You took the wrong angle!”

The doubt, the scattered focus. It’s like two magnets pushing against each other.

The real work has begun. One of the reasons that I’m doing this project in the first place is to push myself to finish something, and to force myself to do something that is not, in fact, perfect.

The point is to finish.

Proof of concept.

The more I fritter away the ending, the more I will be frustrated at “how long” endings take–even though most of it is my own making.

So I have to be smarter than myself.

It’s a fun game.