The muscles lay, relaxed and warm, nestled between fluffy covers and a firm mattress. (They were, of course, firmly housed in a pair of legs.) It was early, so they tensed lengthened as their owner flexed her toes, slowly waking up.

Little did they know it was leg day.

Soon enough those muscles found themselves pressing down the gas pedal in the car. It was cold, made even colder by the chilly air that was blowing through the vent in a slow attempt to warm up. Maybe the muscles wished they could have been enclosed in full-length leggings instead of cropped leggings, but we’ll never know. Hey, they’re muscles—no brain needed.

After ripping out an impressive 57 mph on the highway, the muscles kicked into gear with an uphill walk from the parking lot to the gym. They trip-trapped down three flights of stairs to the locker room, and stood patiently while a gym bag was stowed in a locker.

Then, it was off to the weight room. The muscles still had no idea what was in store for them. They blissfully warmed up slowly during some time on the rowing machine, clenching just enough to get the feet in and out of the toe-holds. But what did they care, most of the work was being done by the back.

Then, it started. Goblet squats. With a newfound range of motion built up over a summer of calisthenics, the muscled tensed and flexed in perfect form. With weights, rather than with pure bodyweight, the muscles felt a different tension. It was urgent. This was serious.

During the next exercise—dumbbell-assist forward lunges—pain entered into the muscles. They were used to sticking together, one for all, but these new exercises were pushing them in new and different directions. They actually had to adapt to perform the movement they were asked to do.

After a relatively straightforward leg press and some situps (in which they were blissfully uninvolved), the muscles were rewarded with a nice warm shower back in the locker room.

As they walked the legs back down the hill from the gym, the muscles groaned and complained. They hadn’t been asked to do that much work in quite some time—it was unfair.

They couldn’t walk out or go on strike, so they decided to put up as much of a fuss as possible, starting that afternoon. They weren’t asked about going to the gym, but the sure could get their revenge.

That, my friends, is the story of why I’ve been walking like an old lady since Monday.

I got back in the gym this week. It’s been good, muscle complaints aside. This particular gym offered a 1-year package at a lump sum of $300. Each time I go, I’ll recalculate the price-per-visit. But that means my first visit was $300 per visit.

Now I’ve gone twice, so the price has dropped to $150 per visit.

What a bargain.