Back when I first started this blog, I made a list of ways that I could prove to myself that I could be a good boss. This is a personal list, tailored specifically to me and my own personal failings.

You see, somewhere along the line, I realized that in order to work for yourself, one must be both BOSS and EMPLOYEE. One must to figure out the work to be done, and then do the work.

If I never behaved in the manner of a good boss, I could never hope to trust myself enough to start a business on my own.

I want to eventually work for myself, so I decided to see if I could become the kind of person who could leader herself (and eventually others) effectively.

About a year ago—as I had forgotten about the original list—I checked back in. I was doing okay, and certainly made strides in some areas, but nothing spectacular.

I was reminded of this list again recently. Let’s see how I stack up.

• Set up a (big) project, plan it out, and complete it within a deadline
  • Done. July 2018.
• Clean my room, Jordan B Peterson style
  • 8/10. There is still some clutter to banish and closets to organize, but I am comfortable having people over on short notice. For me, that might as well be 10/10 but let’s not lose sight of reality.
• Address my resentment of tracking time, and start using time to my advantage
  • In the past year, I have realized that this is a futile way of looking at things. I am a task-oriented person, not a time-oriented person. I now view my life as a series of open and closed loops. When I set an intention, I open a loop. My goal is to close the loop as quickly as possible, or work diligently at the sub-goals to close it—if it’s a large problem. Immediately working on a task that is available to me is 100% easier than fretting about some mythical ideal of time usage.
• Stick to a consistent sleep time and wake time
  • 5:45 am wake up for the past month. Bedtime is still variable.
• Continue to publish a blog post every day until we hit a year
  • Done.
• Work out consistently
  • This one I’m either consistently ON or consistently OFF. I got back in the gym last week, and hope to be ON for a while. Going to the gym is kind of tiresome, so once my membership runs out I may go back to Naiman workouts on my living room floor.
• Get out of bed immediately upon rising, instead of languishing in the half-asleep/half-awake stage that I love so much (this will legit be a sacrifice)
  • Done. 
• Design a daily schedule for myself that incorporates all the projects that I plan to complete, along with the self-care that my chronic illness demands, and stick to it
  • I’m less concerned with designing a perfect schedule and more concerned with getting things done. Since I’ve added much more to my life—socially and side-projects—since last year, my schedule shifts but it’s the tasks that matter.
• Finish the Self-Authoring suite
  • I’m no longer interested in this, as I have discovered JBP to be unhelpful at best. However, I have launched a project to write my memoir which has been much more helpful than “Past Authoring,” which didn’t even scratch the surface.
• Complete a plan for my future, with action steps and deadlines
  • This one is more like building the tracks out in front of the train, but it’s happening.
• Sell a product online that people buy on a consistent basis while still employed full time by someone else
  • Working on this right now, with another idea in the hopper.
• Tackle the reading list that I’ve had in my mind for years
  • Reading more, yes. Reading that list, no.
• Define what success means to me
  • Dwelling next to running water with moss and rainbows, and nobody to dictate to me how to spend my time or my efforts or my words. Doing  good work to lay at the feet of the Almighty at the end of days.

Out of 13 shots, I give myself 8 wins. 66%. Those are some pretty big strides in a year. It’s true that I’ve had a tremendous amount of growth, of pushing myself and rebirth. I almost don’t recognize myself from a year ago, even though my goals and personality are largely the same.

There are things that have surprised me—like this blog. Going from “one post every day for a year” to the growth I see now has completely astonished me. I never realized that being diligent will actually pay off.

If I want to be my own boss, it now looks like I’m going to have to draft some new criteria. More focused criteria. Criteria that has numbers and targets and goals.

Or maybe I’ll make a new list, of ways to prove to myself that I could be a wife.

I say that I’m good at starting a new endeavor, but am I really?

Ideas—yes, please.

Research—you got it (at least until I get bored).

Look and feel development—got you covered, baby.

Launch—

Launch?

…Hello?

Getting a project together is one thing. Getting a project out the door is something else entirely.

During the first 6-9 months of posting on this blog regularly, I had to steel myself against my brain’s constant barrage of “THIS ISN’T PERFECT IT CAN’T GO IN PUBLIC WHERE OTHER PEOPLE CAN READ IT.”

I eventually got used to the fact that I’m putting my thoughts out there, and became more at peace with the situation. Truly, I thought that I was getting better at blasting my message out.

Turns out I was very, very wrong.

The minute I switch domains (literally) from Batfort.com to my other domain that I won’t even talk about here because I am that much of a ninny about it, the SECOND that I think about moving things forward over there—I’m paralyzed by fear.

Goshdangit.

Gotta push through it—again. Hopefully it’ll be easier this time.

Another possible future opened up for me this afternoon. One of those “I spend so much time thinking about it, why don’t I capitalize on that and go for a PhD?” moments.

I feel like I’ve been putting off a very important decision for a long time now. I’m good at living in the in-betweens, but at a certain point you just gotta decide.

Here are the options that I have:

• Accept that I work in higher ed, that I’m GOOD at higher ed, and that my pathway leads me right into the thick of a PhD in something related to organizational psychology or thereabouts—regardless of what I think about higher ed and my massive reservations in putting my time and talents toward sustaining a system that is antithetical to a lot of the things I believe in. Pursue a thesis on my personal theories about how university organization actually works. Parlay that into a popular book published by a real publisher.
  • Career path one: set myself and my love of connecting disparate parts on the internal research areas of universities. Work on creating huge datasets on which decisions can be made. Hate myself a little bit for contributing to the Singularity.
  • Career path two: take a “risk” and jump straight from a PhD into consulting.
  • Career path three: come out swinging and take all my “cred” to the Alt-Education playground.
• Do nothing, and die a low-level office cog in the university machine. Cat-lady tier life, with or without the cats.
• Gather all my cajones and jump ship ASAP. Figure out how to support myself online either with editing or some other freelance-type job, or by building up any one of the side gigs that I say I have. Literally everyone in my life would think I was crazy for doing this.
  • Career path one: double down on Batfort and become the YA fantasy publisher that this world needs.
  • Career path two: put my love of connecting-the-dots to use helping people navigate the health system as a coach and guide.
  • Career path three: outsiders perspective on higher ed (???).
• Figure out how to be social, get married, have babies.

I don’t love any of these options. None of them are necessarily exclusive of any of the others. All I can see at the moment are a bunch of pros and cons. I don’t see the point of getting a PhD and them jumping ship on education entirely, but then again even if I do write a stellar book on what it might take to reform higher education (LOLOL), would anybody care if I don’t have a PhD, even if I left the field?

But, that’s why I’m quitting YouTube for Lent. Not because it will magically give me the answer, but because I’ll have more time to spend in prayer over the direction of my life. I would appreciate some clarity, because I’m feeling the need to commit to a direction.

It’s easy to imagine possible futures in almost any direction. The problem is knowing the one that will align best with God’s Will, and that will work out for me best in the long run.

I also hate stepping out in faith, without knowing exactly what type of ladder/safety net/rope swing might break my fall.

Last year, I cultivated two habits that helped greatly with helping me “at home” in my own skin. These will not come as a shock to you.

1. Physical activity
2. Writing in a journal

These were a big part of my routine in the summer and early fall. Over the winter, though, I stopped being diligent about making time for these things in my routine.

I’d rather stay up late snuggled under a knit blanket on my couch, which means sleeping in later in the mornings. And with the late-season onset of winter in my region, I’ve been commuting with a friend—which means no gym time before work.

This has been a mistake.

Like many long-term health choices, the effects didn’t show up immediately. I coasted along for a while. But after a couple months, I started to feel their absence.

My moods are more unstable. I feel detached from myself. I’m not sure of what I think or how I feel. My goals, which were so clear, have started to blur and fade.

So it’s time to add these good habits back to my life.

I might journal at night, instead of in the morning, but that’s okay. The point is that I differentiate between everyone else’s thoughts and feelings, and mine.

I might have to start all over with my weightlifting program, but that’s okay. The point is that I focus on physical activity and put my body to the test.

Call it a post-New Year’s resolution. Whatever.

It’s never too late to start over.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.  —Matthew 7:7-8, King James Version

Last year, I didn’t make any resolutions. What I did was continue some ongoing personal challenges, and set myself some bigger goals. Instead of concentrating a bunch of effort at the beginning of the year (I started rather lazily, actually) I ended up concentrating effort in the middle of the year (June/July), which built up into a very satisfying momentum. I ended up hitting all of my goals, and got healthier to boot.

This year, I decided to take that idea and expand on it a little bit. There are some activities that I want to try and some larger projects that I want to tackle, but I much like the low-and-slow approach to building a life.

Because there are some mindset issues I want to tackle, I’m trying out the idea of a theme for the year. It took a while to whittle down a bunch of ideas to one simple word, but it came to me this afternoon.

My theme for 2019 is SEEK.

The unspoken subtext is to seek what is, not what should be or what might be or what I wish to see. Seek what currently exists to find.

This means not jumping to conclusions. This means not assuming that I know things when I don’t. This means being curious. This means refraining from judgment, instead taking the time to explore and learn more. This means putting aside my constant need to intellectualize things and to just experience things. Intensely, inquisitively, but being present in the moment.

Here are some of the ways that I’ve already interpreted this word. In 2019, I intend to seek:

• new opportunities (to add value, to make money, to meet people)
• a new skill
• contentment (with what currently exists, not focusing on what doesn’t exist yet)
• ways to connect (with people, or to put two disparate ideas together)
• the best in people
• the Kingdom of God (to see the Spirit and the Truth in things)
• to deepen and to grow (in my faith, in relationships, in my community)
• the limits of my time and the boundaries I place on myself
• solutions, rather than more reasons why

I don’t have many “what to dos” yet, but I like this list of “how to do it.” Reframing my conundrums (being too negative on myself and needing to pay more attention to people and relationships) in this way has made me think of new ways of approaching old problems in my life.

Not long after the word SEEK popped into my head this year, I went to get coffee. With “seek to connect with people” fresh on my mind, I decided to smile at a guy in line. He turned out to be a match from a dating site who I had “liked” a few days ago. We had a nice conversation (we’ll see where it goes)…but the triple-word score synchronicity is enough to tell me that I’m on the right track.

Like I said before, I’m not going to push it this year. Instead, I’m going to keep this idea at the forefront of my mind. It’s already gotten me thinking differently, and acting differently.

Moving back to more concrete goals, I’ve set myself three main challenges: do something social at least once a week, complete a larger project or trip each month, and start using the Flylady method to learn how to be a better housekeeper.

Some goals include: get good enough at art to submit my work for consideration to a coffee shop or gallery, go flyfishing, follow through on the backpacking trip that my dad and I have been talking about for years, set up an LLC for this blog, and learn how to bind a book.

The rest I’ll make up as we go along—what good would the year be if I planned everything now?

There’d be nothing to seek later!

Very, very veryvery wrong.

Here’s why.

I have a new job. I probably shouldn’t refer to it as a new job, but it feels new because I’m still not totally sure what it is I’m supposed to do. Ambiguous job descriptions are fun like that.

A while back, I wrote about the lesson that I was about to learn (or so I thought).

Past Me thought she was going to learn a lesson about navigating workplace politics without the benefit of a boss who takes care of his team.

This is not wrong. I’m learning those lessons.

Past Me forgot the fine print. There’s more. The REAL lesson in all of this is learning how to set healthy boundaries around my day job.

I’ve always been the type of person who gets what must be done, done. The rest of it will get done on its own schedule. A lot of this was developed as I learned to go through life with a chronic autoimmune illness. You do what you have to do, and then you collapse on the couch with exhaustion.

However, this philosophy is not helping my goals, dreams, and plans. I would like to spend more time and attention outside of work on the things that I’m interested in, like this blog and business ideas.

The problem is, my day job is branded in my head as a must-do. I assign it more worth than everything else, and the rest of it gets stuffed in around the edges.

This is not a way to build up a side hustle.

Yet a side hustle is what I need if I want to extricate myself from the situation I’m in. You see, the boss at my day job is a micromanager. He keeps everything deliberately ambiguous, so that only he can make decisions. He talks out of one side of his mouth about professional development, and then takes away every actual opportunity for it. Nobody on our team gets any ownership of the work that we do—everything gets his byline and his say-so. His behavior is exceedingly frustrating, especially to someone who just wants to more forward and get things done.

That someone is me. The sucker. Still trying to do a good job.

I like doing a good job at my must-do.

I’m sure you can figure out the problem by now. My focusing on my must-do day job, I’m trapped in a situation where I can’t advance and can’t win. The only way out is to figure out how to focus more on my real callings.

Boundaries. I need boundaries. My challenge is to figure out how to set emotional boundaries around how invested I’ll get in my day job.

I can’t let my boss get to me—that way lies stress and autoimmune madness.

The lesson that I need to learn is how to set healthy boundaries for myself to not get too invested in this job, to not let my boss’s way of doing things (however inexplicable) make a difference in my life.

That should free up some space in my brain to work more on Batfort and other endeavors. Which are way more fun and could actually yield some good rewards.

Anyway. Boundaries.

I held a garage sale today.

It’s a natural fit—I just moved and had some stuff I didn’t want to move. My neighbor had been doing some cleaning, and she had stuff to sell as well.

We did not make a lot of money.

Here’s what I learned:

• Advertise early, advertise often. And advertise in places that the people who would like your stuff will be.
• Make it super easy for people to find you.
• Lots of people just want to look.
• Everybody wants the big fish—the bonus money in the purse, or the super-valuable furniture that can be resold for 1000% markup
• If you actually want to make money, you need to sell things that people want

I didn’t plan it this way, but selling IRL was a good dry run before selling online. There’s something helpful about the immediate feedback and the feel of counting cash in a cashbox that helps solidify these lessons.

Anyway, make it easy for people to buy. Otherwise, they won’t.

Not rocket science but it’s something that I’m liable to forget in the quest for really good copy or optimized demographic segmentation. (Or whatever.)