If you’re on the internet these days, you’re probably aware that “self love” is a big thing right now. Somehow there’s this idea that if we all just loved ourselves more, the world would be a better place. The problem, in this school of thought, is that we’ve forgotten how to love ourselves and/or that we practice unlovely acts toward ourselves constantly.

The solution to this, from one camp—usually the Millennial-pink feministas—is self-care. Usually in the form of a spa day, or accepting your fat self for who she is, or some extra-special “me time” (if you know what I mean). Escapism of some form.

From another camp—the ‘words can be magic’ camp—the problem is self talk. We talk to ourselves negatively all the time, and that is the source of our problems. “If you talked to your friend like you talk to yourself,” says Mike Cernovich, “You wouldn’t have any friends.” Start talking to yourself like you would a friend, and things will change.

These are both good ways to deal with the constant barrage of negativity we get from the world, and from ourselves. We need rest, a little bit of escapism, and encouragement.

What does love look like?

There is a brand of Christian self-help focused on “love languages.” It’s this idea that people have 1 or 2 primary ways that the feel or receive love: words, actions, physical touch, gifts, or time. In order to strengthen your relationships with others in your life, you find out both yours and your partner’s love language, so that you can communicate in a way that “feels” right to the other person. (Google it if you want to learn more, there’s a quiz you can take.)

Knowing your own love language can also help you communicate your own needs in a way that’s actionable. With the greater self-knowledge, you can understand why sometimes you can easily brush it off when someone wrongs you, but other times it cuts to the bone.

Differing love languages are why sometimes the things that we do that would make us feel special (such as gifts) fall a little flat (if the other person’s primary love language is quality time).

So if we know that people have different preferences for receiving love, and we know that it’s important to love ourselves, perhaps we should consider loving ourselves in a way that resonates with us.

Use your top “love language” to practice self-care.

While I love the idea of changing the voice in my head from negative to positive, working on that never quite seems to change my ~internal narrative~. Maybe this is because “words of affirmation” is at the bottom of my love language list. To me, words are just words. They don’t mean anything unless you do something about it.

One of the things that I struggle with most is keeping my house tidy. I often feel “too busy” to do the daily chores that keep a house clean and sparkling—and then I feel bad about myself for having an untidy house. It’s a terrible feedback loop. Perhaps, for me, doing “acts of service” for myself—ie, doing things each day to keep my house clean—is a form of self care. And guess what? My #2 love language is “acts of service.”

So here’s what I’m thinking: by knowing ourselves, we can re-frame what self-care looks like so that it actually works for us and our lives.

This list is me brainstorming. Please add your thoughts in the comments!

Words of Affirmation

• Re-framing our mental narrative
• Daily affirmations
• Positive quotes as artwork
• Having a “theme” word for the day/week/month/year
• Writing yourself letters
• Journalling

Acts of Service

• Re-framing daily chores as ways to love yourself
• Thanking our past selves for doing work*
• Working out regularly**
• Maybe creating little rituals around things like prayer, bedtime, etc.
• Making a point to front-load schedules and activities so you’re doing things that you want, rather than being reactive to deadlines (aka thoughtful planning)

Physical Touch

• Dry brushing
• Regular massage or pedicures or facials or sauna time
• Investing in quality skincare products
• Only purchasing clothes or sheets with fabrics that feel good to you
• Hobbies that involve tactile sensations (knitting, rock climbing, fingerpainting)
• Fix the drafts in your house and keep it at a good temperature

Quality Time

• Meditation and/or journalling
• Taking long walks in nature
• Unplugging from social media for a day/weekend/week/whatever
• Blocking out time for yourself in your calendar
• Maybe something like yoga would be good, time to check-in with your mind and body

Receiving Gifts

• Re-framing grocery shopping as a gift to yourself
• Wrapping up your lunch like a present (cute bento box, anyone?)
• Staying in the “present” moment 😉
• Leaving yourself little surprises to find in the future, like wrapping up a trinket with your summer clothes when you store them for the season
• Investing in cosmetics that feel like little gifts every time you use them (like luxury brand lipsticks)
• Y’all, gifts are not my love language—suggestions?

I’m excited to try out this approach to self-care. My top 2 love languages are physical touch and acts of service, so I’ll be dry brushing (which feels sooooo good) and working on re-framing my daily household chores as an acts of service and love.

If you try this out, let me know how it goes for you!

Discussions of self-care often creep a little close to “self worship,” so I’ll end with this: it feels right that in order for you to love your neighbor as yourself, you must first love yourself. But let’s not forget that we love because God first loved us. The love that shines through us ultimately comes from Him, so the ultimate self-care is fixing your hope on Jesus Christ.

*A friend of mine washes dishes for her future self, and then, when she goes to use the clean dishes, thanks her past self.

**Obviously working out is one of the basics of self-care. Exercise is good for your body no matter your personal love language. I’m including it in “acts of service” because that’s where it fits best.