Ask me how I feel about something.

The answer? I don’t know.

Seriously. 95% of the time I have no idea.

Lately I’ve been on an MBTI kick, and while it’s lovely for certain things (reverse engineering the personality type for my boss, for instance), it also makes one come face-to-face with certain truths.

These truths are often things that we try to forget. Weaknesses.

The opposite of strengths.

Anyway, as an INTP, my cognitive function stack goes like this:

  1. Introverted Thinking (Ti)
  2. Extraverted Intuition (Ne)
  3. Introverted Sensing (Si)
  4. Extraverted Feeling (Fe)

I rely HEAVILY on Ti and Ne (even though sometimes I hate it) and this blog is largely the result of those two functions interacting. My Si style preferences often don’t make it to “publish” and Fe rarely. Fe is by far my weakest.

While these are my preferred ways of interacting with the world, the converse also exists. AKA, the sides I don’t prefer to use.

  1. Extraverted Thinking (Te)
  2. Introverted Intuition (Ni)
  3. Extraverted Sensing (Se)
  4. Introverted Feeling (Fi)

It’s funny. My “original stack” are things that I take for granted. Always coming up with new ideas, and being able to sort through them to find the best ones. Knowing every single sensation in my body. Being able to connect with other human beings, even if I don’t feel it myself.

My “shadow stack,” on the other hand, is full of things that I’d like to be. Better at commanding my external environment and keeping my life and household on an efficient schedule (hallmarks of Te). Better at envisioning my future (Ni). More style-conscious, putting more effort into my own appearance and that of my living space (Se). And let’s not get our hopes up, but sometimes I’d like to know how I feel (Fi).

Poor Fi gets the short stick. As the shadow of the function at the very bottom of the hierarchy, it’s the underdeveloped stepchild of the bunch. And I’ve been feeling it lately. I can come up with all sorts of examples of how Fi is my achilles heel.

  • I couldn’t tell you if I liked watching Downton Abbey but I could feel my brain dispensing dopamine while I was watching it. Like literally feel the chemicals. (Si)
  • It once took me a solid month to identify that I was heartbroken. Even though I was crying myself to sleep every night and listening to breakup songs.
  • My dearest desire in college was to be a robot. Or a vulcan.

Fortunately or unfortunately, humans aren’t robots OR vulcans, and the majority of us use Fi and Fe quite a lot throughout the day. This is a fact that I understand, but do not relate to.

Sometimes–usually when I’m hormonal–I feel feelings quite strongly. Most of the time it’s a default straight line, usually a bit on the melancholy side. That’s just how things roll with me.

When someone asks me how I feel about something, I often don’t genuinely know.

It came to my attention the other week that people often expect you to comment on how something makes you feel. This is a particular issue with my boss, who is heavy on the Fe and is always looking for an emotional reaction. I don’t like lying, but I also don’t function quickly enough with the feeling function to make something up on the spot. Usually I fake it with Ne and move on.

But that’s the crux of it. My function stack has left me with a function that doesn’t, well, it doesn’t function very effectively. Other people’s function stacks are that way, too–just with different functions.

Getting frustrated with another person for not being able to think (T) or not seeing the connections between things (N) is like getting frustrated with myself for not understanding how I feel (F).

People I know–people who feel–tell me that I have feelings but I just don’t know what they are. Maybe that’s true. I’m not sure what would happen if I focused on my feelings for a while, to try to innervate them like a muscle.

In 6th grade I taught myself how to raise one eyebrow by staring at it in the mirror. Perhaps I can do something similar on my emotions. Then I would be less of a cripple and would probably have an easier time communicating with people on a gut level.

Anyway, I’ll make an effort on this and report back what I find out.