As you know, I work in higher ed.

As you may NOT know, I like dressing up on Halloween. I especially like wearing weird costumes that are mostly inside jokes with myself.

One Halloween, I wore a blonde wig and dressed up like old-school Taylor Swift, with a country dress and shoes that didn’t quite go. I hacked my work badge so that my name was No, it’s Becky.

Another Halloween, when I was working with a bunch science PhDs, I decided to dress as one of them. I scavenged a lab coat and a pipette and lab goggles. From afar, people assumed I was a student.

This Halloween, we’re going deep into “Nobody will get this” territory. So deep, in fact, that my costume is of something that doesn’t actually exist.

It doesn’t exist, but perhaps it should.

Yay, duct tape

Behold, the FERPA Compliance Officer.

I also have a matching cop hat, aviator sunglasses, and badge. I was going to wear a fake mustache but honestly at this point I think it would be overkill.

For those of you who don’t work in academia, FERPA is the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act of 1974. It “protects” the privacy of student records. If you’ve ever tried to call a university on behalf of a family member, it’s why you can’t do anything for them without a signed release.

Unlike HIPAA, which has a robust policing mechanism and serious consequences if it’s breached, FERPA is basically just a piece of paper. I’ve never heard of anyone getting in trouble for failing to follow FERPA law. FERPA is one of those things that’s used to keep outsiders out (like a mom calling to check on her kid’s grade when she’s paying the tuition bill) but to forge relationships with people who can exploit data in the name of “university business.” Because if it’s need-to-know, it’s not a breach.

If FERPA had an Office of Compliance, it would focus on low-level customer service mistakes and faculty screw ups. Like all Federal agencies, it would turn a blind eye to the systemic privacy violations that go along with things like data mining.

Because a FERPA Compliance Officer is such an absurd idea, I figured this mythical branch of law enforcement would make a great Halloween costume. Basically if a Halloween costume idea doesn’t make me laugh until I can’t breathe, I’m not interested.

I’ve been hanging on to this idea for years, and its about to make its debut.

I can’t wait.