Another possible future opened up for me this afternoon. One of those “I spend so much time thinking about it, why don’t I capitalize on that and go for a PhD?” moments.

I feel like I’ve been putting off a very important decision for a long time now. I’m good at living in the in-betweens, but at a certain point you just gotta decide.

Here are the options that I have:

• Accept that I work in higher ed, that I’m GOOD at higher ed, and that my pathway leads me right into the thick of a PhD in something related to organizational psychology or thereabouts—regardless of what I think about higher ed and my massive reservations in putting my time and talents toward sustaining a system that is antithetical to a lot of the things I believe in. Pursue a thesis on my personal theories about how university organization actually works. Parlay that into a popular book published by a real publisher.
  • Career path one: set myself and my love of connecting disparate parts on the internal research areas of universities. Work on creating huge datasets on which decisions can be made. Hate myself a little bit for contributing to the Singularity.
  • Career path two: take a “risk” and jump straight from a PhD into consulting.
  • Career path three: come out swinging and take all my “cred” to the Alt-Education playground.
• Do nothing, and die a low-level office cog in the university machine. Cat-lady tier life, with or without the cats.
• Gather all my cajones and jump ship ASAP. Figure out how to support myself online either with editing or some other freelance-type job, or by building up any one of the side gigs that I say I have. Literally everyone in my life would think I was crazy for doing this.
  • Career path one: double down on Batfort and become the YA fantasy publisher that this world needs.
  • Career path two: put my love of connecting-the-dots to use helping people navigate the health system as a coach and guide.
  • Career path three: outsiders perspective on higher ed (???).
• Figure out how to be social, get married, have babies.

I don’t love any of these options. None of them are necessarily exclusive of any of the others. All I can see at the moment are a bunch of pros and cons. I don’t see the point of getting a PhD and them jumping ship on education entirely, but then again even if I do write a stellar book on what it might take to reform higher education (LOLOL), would anybody care if I don’t have a PhD, even if I left the field?

But, that’s why I’m quitting YouTube for Lent. Not because it will magically give me the answer, but because I’ll have more time to spend in prayer over the direction of my life. I would appreciate some clarity, because I’m feeling the need to commit to a direction.

It’s easy to imagine possible futures in almost any direction. The problem is knowing the one that will align best with God’s Will, and that will work out for me best in the long run.

I also hate stepping out in faith, without knowing exactly what type of ladder/safety net/rope swing might break my fall.