All writings must be in a degree exoteric, written to a human should or would, instead of the fatal is.  —Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Let me explain why should is one of my least favorite words. Seriously, it’s on my list of Top 5 Most Hated Words of All Time, and has been since 2014. Do you know why?

Should is a trap.

So many people get caught trying to figure out what they should do, and never do anything at all. Other people decide that they know better and tell their neighbors what the should be doing, whether or not it is good for them. Still others think of the world as it should be (in their minds), and have a difficult time dealing with it as it actually (or fatally, according to Emerson) exists.

I’ll tell you a story.

I once worked for a woman who was very detail-oriented. She followed every instruction to a T, and before the deadline. The kind of person who couldn’t sleep if she spotted a crumb under the refrigerator on her way back to bed after a midnight snack. She was a fantastic boss, and taught me many good things.

However. This woman could not comprehend it when other people refrained from crossing all their Ts, or made three more crumbs after their midnight snacks, or even forgot that there were instructions at all. Like it literally would not register with her that there were other ways to live one’s life. This caused lots of distress and last-minute scrambling.

“Why haven’t our clients turned in the form yet?” She would ask. “They should have had it done weeks ago!”

Something that should be done—in her mind—must be a should in everybody else’s mind too. Right?

Well, no.

Because what is should? It’s a construct in your mind.

Let me repeat myself: it’s a construct in YOUR mind.

(Not anybody else’s.)

Let us now turn to the Oxford English Dictionary, in which some Ye Olde Definitions can give us a clue as to why should is such a trap.

Should (archaic)

A statement of duty, obligation, or propriety (originally, as applicable to hypothetical conditions not regarded as real). Also, in statements of expectation, likelihood, prediction, etc.

As you can see from this old usage of should, it’s based very much in a squishy reality. A reality that may not, in fact, exist—one that’s built on expectations and hypothetical conditions.

If you’re imagining how the world should exist, maybe it would be a great one. Maybe your shoulds would solve all the problems known to man. But guess what: it only exists in your mind.

You can’t make decisions based on what the world should look like (according to you). I mean you can, but you can’t get mad if things go awry. Why? Because your version of reality may or may not match up to the real version of reality.

Why should I do something based on your version of reality?

No reason at all.

I like my version of reality better anyway.

So how are we supposed to express something that we might to in the future, which might be a duty? Or that people as a whole might be obligated to do?

My friends, let’s meet another archaic word.

Ought

That which should be done, the obligatory; a statement using ‘ought,’ expressing a moral imperative.

This word is tethered to reality through morality.

Should is based in hypothetical, in expectation. It’s subject to personal whim. It is untethered. Ought is based in morality, that is, reality.

Why it matters

When you get caught up in the “shoulds,” you can make yourself crazy. The world outside your window doesn’t match up with how you think it should be. 

• Politicians should make this or that kind of decision.
• Parents should raise their kids like this, or like that.
• Your neighbor should act the way that you want him to act.

But guess what?

These people all have free will. They don’t have to act out your should. They have their own problems. And tbh if I’m going to live out a should, it’s going to be my own.

When you buy into that should 100%, and then reality doesn’t come through for you? Think back to Hillary Clinton supporters the morning after the 2016 election. That’s rough. I don’t wish that on anybody.

Stick with reality. Stick with “ought.” Align yourself with the fatal is.

And avoid the trap of should.